Early in my research on anger, I was asking prominent professors and psychologists to explain the anger process to me. Their answers of course were never simplistic in nature so they went into a level of detail that kn knew the lay-person would have difficulty understanding After I wrote my book, Street Negotiation - How to Resolve Any Conflict Anytime, I had a much greater understanding of anger and I found that anger really amounts to two things: Pain and Blame.
Pain is Like Gasoline
When I refer to pain, I mean to physical or emotional pain. Pain is a warning signal or stimulator to your mind that you are about to This is what generates the famous "fight or flight response" from our sympathetic nervous system.
Not let. It's gas in and out of the flesh is not in the gasoline analogy. Not really. It & # 39; s controllable and we bottle it Gasoline, just like pain, does not start fires by itself. Gasoline only becomes deadly when the fire has begun and the gas It stops to fire, it puts out the fuel. .
Blame is Like the Lighted Match
Blame creates Blame creates nothing start anger, then what you do? Well, it 's the combination of pain and blame which make anger happen. Blame is the act of choosing to make yourself a victim and the other person the villain. A lot of psychologists will refer to this as trigger thoughts, but essentially it & # 39; s the act of defaulting responsibility for your actions on another person and assuming the role of Blame on own own, in absence of pain, is like a wooden match - you can light it up in the beginning, but without any source of fuel, it quickly burns If you bring bring blame in direct contact with pain, then what you get is one heck of a fire.
I once hit my table in the corner of a wooden coffee table as I was walking through the the living room of my house one day. It hurt like hell. I was so pissed off at the table for "hurting me "That I kicked it and broke one of the legs to the table. I told the table that was boss ... that was until I tried setting a glass of juice on that same table Bliss makes us feel good in the short run, but the long-term effects it has been on our relationship can be devastating. Just like when I broke my coffee table, blame can make us feel great and in control we are venting our pain away, but it can also permanently damage our relationships - or, in my case, my nice coffee table.
Pain Can not Be Avoided, Blaming Can
So then you might ask - how can I manage my anger? Well, we have very little control over the amount of pain. We can never really avoid accidents, or headaches, or stomach pains, or breakups, or conflicts What we can change in the blame. We choose to blame someone, something, even ourselves for our pain, but that does not need to happen. Blame is not easy way to replace the other way. We have a good way to get rid of pain, but with serious consequences. ourselves or to others. Instead of blaming, try to simply express your feelings openly without any blaming, judgments, or accusations. "I feel" statements, rather than "you" statements.
This is more difficult than it sounds, but if you practice during normal practice how you feel, instead of focusing on the actions or behavior of the other person of which you have little or no control over, you will condition yourself to respond compassionately, rather than with anger.
Remember, pain comes to us all, but we have the choice of starting the anger process by blaming the other person, or we can not express our pain without blame and deal with the situation compassionately.
